


Turn off the Lights

by Sugaandspice



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Anxiety Disorder, Based On A Panic! At The Disco Song, Depression, Developing Friendships, Family Issues, Family Secrets, Fear, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Friendship, Friendship/Love, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Inner Demons, Inspired by Music, Kozume Kenma & Kuroo Tetsurou Friendship, KuroKen - Freeform, Kuroo has OCD, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Mental Institutions, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, POV Kozume Kenma, Panic Attacks, Phobias, References to Depression, Therapy, This will be heavy, Trichotillomania, Turn off the Lights by Panic! at the Disco, and also intense, tragic backstory
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-02
Updated: 2017-08-02
Packaged: 2018-12-10 09:12:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,667
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11688555
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sugaandspice/pseuds/Sugaandspice
Summary: Somehow the darkness didn't seem so dark when he wasn't in it alone.





	Turn off the Lights

**Author's Note:**

> WARNING: This story will talk about mental illness, self-harm, and suicide.  
> Read at your own risk.
> 
> And if you're struggling with any of these things, I'm always here to talk <3

_"I got so sick of being on my own_   
_Now the devil won't leave me alone_   
_It's almost like I found a friend_   
_Who's in it for the bitter end."_

He sat quietly on his bed, trying to ignore the voices that were screaming inside his head. He tried to scratch at his arms, but the bandages that were covering them prevented him from doing any damage. The bags under his eyes were dark and sullen from his lack of sleep and his shoulder were slumped, making his small frame look like it was caving in on itself.

He didn’t know how he ended up here. He didn’t know how he ended up so badly his parents had shipped him off to some rehabilitation hospital in the middle of nowhere. He didn’t understand why they never came to visit either. He supposed it wasn’t as bad now as it was when he first got here, the nurse he had now was much nicer. She spoke to him quietly and with a calm voice instead of yelling at him to eat.

            The first nurse he had yelled at him a lot and tried to force food down his throat, but he didn’t want to eat and he didn’t like being touched so instead of taking the food he bit the nurse’s finger. When the man tried to pull away, he only bit harder which in turn caused the man to scream and slap him across the face. He let go, but now he was even angrier than before. He knew nurses weren’t supposed to abuse the patients, but when he told other employee’s what had happened, no one believed him.

            He didn’t understand why people acted like he was incapable of taking care of himself. He didn’t need to be told when to eat and he definitely didn’t need someone sitting there watching him or feeding him to make sure that he ate. Just because he never ate much, didn’t mean he needed to be treated like a child. He isn’t a child.

            He laid down on the bed and sighed heavily, staring at the empty bed across from him. He didn’t know how long he had been in the hospital, but he knew it was a long time and the other bed in his room had always been empty. He was getting sick of being on his own. He didn’t talk much, but back home he had two cats and they were always with him. That’s all he wanted now too, someone there.

            The doorknob jiggled and he curled up more, scared someone was coming in to force him to eat. He didn’t want to eat. Today was a not eating day. He peeked out from between to see a tall boy being held tightly by the collar by a nurse. He shoved him inside, throwing his bag on the ground.

            “You’ve got a roommate now, Kozume.” He said.

            The nurse turned around and walked out, slamming and locking the door behind him. Kenma moved his hands away from his face to get a good look at the new boy. He was tall and skinny, almost as skinny as he was which made Kenma wonder if they had the same problems. He noticed a few scars on the boy’s thighs, but they were different than the ones he had himself. He had jet black hair that stood up in every direction and a smile that reminded Kenma of the Cheshire Cat from Alice in Wonderland.

            He shivered slightly. That story always creeped him out a little bit, the cat especially. Kenma loved cats, but something about the Cheshire Cat always made him feel uneasy. The cat’s smile gave him goosebumps and send chills up his back, it almost reminded him of the devil. Kenma had enough demons to deal with, he didn’t need another.

            “Take a picture, it’ll last longer.” The boy said.

            Kenma blushed and looked away. He hadn’t meant to stare; he just wanted to see who this other boy was. They would be sharing a room together after all, he needed to make sure the boy wouldn’t snap and kill him in his sleep.

            “I’m not going to bite, you know?” he said. “I know I look scary, but I’m really harmless. Unless it comes to myself cause then I’m pretty harmful.”

            He let out a small chuckle at his self-deprecating humor and Kenma slowly shifted to look at him again.

            “Kuroo Tetsurou.” He said.

            “Kozume Kenma.”

            Kuroo laid down on his bed and sighed. Everything was so plain in their room. The walls and ceiling were white and the carpet was an ugly shade of white and gray. The brightest color in the room came from Kenma’s half blonde hair. Kuroo didn’t understand why his hair wasn’t all one color and he wasn’t sure if it would be okay to ask. He knew that even the smallest things could trigger a breakdown and he didn’t want to case Kenma to break.

            “This sucks.”

            Kenma didn’t say anything. He didn’t want to talk. He didn’t like to talk. He liked listening, but he didn’t like talking. He always got in trouble because he never spoke in group therapy, but he didn’t want to talk about things when everyone was staring at him. He didn’t want to talk about things at all.

            “You don’t talk much, do you?”

            Kenma shook his head.

            “A man of few words,” Kuroo said. “I like that. Too many people open their mouths without even thinking and then they just say dumb shit. I bet when you do talk you say really smart stuff.”

            Kenma shrugged.

            “How long have you been here?”

            He shrugged again. He really didn’t know how long it was been and he didn’t know why Kuroo was talking so much either. He seemed nice enough, but Kenma didn’t want to talk to him. He wanted a roommate so he didn’t have to be physically alone, he didn’t want a roommate so he would have someone to talk to.

            Kuroo noticed Kenma’s slight irritation and started to tug at his hair, pulling out small tufts of it and dropping it onto the floor. Kenma glanced at him, his head tilted to the side slightly.

            “You have trichotillomania.”

            “You know what that is?”

            Kenma nodded.

            “I read about it.”

            “Most people just think I’m crazy.”

            “Not crazy, just misunderstood.”

            “See, I knew you were smart.”

            Kenma managed a small smile. He hadn’t been called smart in a long time. It was mostly “freak” and “weirdo” and other names and slurs he’d never repeat.

            “I know it is a little weird… but it’s the anxiety. I can’t handle silence for very long and I hate making other people uncomfortable. When I get anxious or if everything is quiet for too long then I start to pull my hair out.” Kuroo said. “Which… I guess is still me getting anxious because I get anxious when everything is quiet.”

            Kenma nodded slightly. He could understand how someone would prefer noise over silence. He loved silence, but even for him it could be too much to bear sometimes. If everything was quiet for too long then that’s when the voices in his head would get louder and he would breakdown. As much as he liked being alone, being alone could be incredibly detrimental.

            “If it’s okay, there’s going to be times where I talk a lot. You don’t have to talk back though, okay?”

            Kenma nodded.

            “Okay.”

            If it would help someone else then he could deal with the noise. He had a pair of headphones hidden under his mattress too so if Kuroo’s noise ever got to be too much, he had a way to drown him out. He wasn’t actually supposed to have headphones, they had taken his when he first came in, but he found these on the floor one day while he was walking around during free time so he took them. He was surprised he hadn’t gotten caught with them yet and that they hadn’t found his PSP either.

            “Can I ask why you’re here?”

            Kenma sighed, closing his eyes for a moment. This wasn’t something he ever wanted to talk about, especially not with someone he just met. He would talk to him about video games or cats all Kuroo wanted, but there was no way he was going to talk to him about why he was in this God forsaken hell hole.

            “No.”

            “Sorry…”

            Kenma didn’t say anything else and just rolled over, his back facing Kuroo. Over the years he had learned if you stop looking at people then they’ll eventually take the hint and stop talking to you.

            “My mom thinks I’m crazy.” Kuroo said. “So does my sister. I have blackouts from anxiety and panic attacks sometimes. I think she thought I was doing it for attention since I have six brothers and sisters. I’m not though. She told me if I didn’t stop it all then she would send me away. I never thought she would actually do it though…”

            “It kind of gets easier…” Kenma said softly. “If you get a nice nurse… Akemi-san is nice. Sometimes she sneaks me pudding. That’s the only thing I like to eat.”

            Kuroo started to say something and then stopped. He wanted to ask more. He wanted to know more. For some reason he felt drawn to the small and frail, duo-chromatic haired boy. He wanted to know everything about him. He wanted to shield him from everything bad in the world so he didn’t end up any more hurt than he already was.

            “Pudding is pretty great though.” he said finally.

            Kenma cracked a smile. Most people would have asked why he liked pudding or why he didn’t want to eat. They wanted to push and force him to talk, but not Kuroo. He seemed to understand.

            “Yeah… it is.”

            Maybe having someone to talk to wouldn’t be so bad after all.


End file.
